You will never have come across anyone like me before. I am a cat with a human brain, a result of a bizarre and almost certainly illegal medical experiment. However, this act of madness has presented me with an un-missable opportunity: the chance to live a double life; my combined human and feline characteristics proffering me a tantalising plethora of opportunities that I intend to share with you over the next few months.
So how does a cat with a human brain live his life [lives]? I co-habitate with a human called “Dave” and his two teenage children, Ann and Edward. I would prefer to have my own place but as I am sure you can imagine, society is still struggling to come to terms with a cat that wants a mortgage or expresses an interest in signing up for cookery classes. I realise that it will be some time before the human world is ready to embrace a cat who regards himself as the equal of a man, so I am playing the long game.
For the moment, the status quo suits me. I can “do the cat thing” at night whilst using the daytime to “push out the boundaries.” I have kicked off this “new age of enlightenment” by telling the World about my life and experiences in my very own blog. I have also achieved a cat first (as far as I am aware) by securing a job in the City of London, working for a firm of Management Consultants. I start work next week and will be providing regular updates!
So how have I arrived at this point? Six months ago, my friends from the Animal Liberation Front freed me from captivity, probably just in time as I am pretty certain there was no desire for knowledge of my existence to enter the public domain. Having spent a fascinating hour drinking cider in the park, discussing Marx, DIY incendiary devices and how to ensure your Yorkshire pudding rises every time, I went on my way and ended up running into Dave, who adopted me. It is a mutually beneficial relationship. He insists he has taken me in for purely altruistic reasons but I am under no illusions as to his real motives. He has already earned a pretty penny from TV appearances and probably has a whole raft of sneaky schemes to extract maximum benefit from the further media interest a talking cat will inevitably whip up. From my perspective, I have free board and lodgings and mildly stimulating conversation.
I am happy playing along, taking advantage of his hospitality while running my own agenda. The job is a first step to achieving recognition and independence. Ironically, it was one of Dave’s contacts who landed me this role in “Client Services”, ironic because Dave was on the brink of giving up his own job to tout me around the TV studios and celebratory hang-outs. Now, I will be chasing the filthy lucre Monday to Friday, blunting his tawdry money making ambitions. Not sure why I was offered this job. Sounds like another piece of opportunism to me but I will get paid handsomely for my trouble and hey, how much can someone expect from a cat in a suit, albeit a talking cat in a beautifully cut Saville Row suit?
Over the next few weeks, I will keep you posted on my life, work and [hopefully] adventures. How will I square my desire to chase tail all night with my need to be fresh for a day’s work? I appreciate my novelty value will generate a fair degree of fascination and curiosity in your human minds, so I will attempt to put some of my valuable time aside to answer your questions. I am painfully aware that my knowledge and experience falls short of even the most indolent and intellectuality challenged individual (though perhaps I am being a tad over self-effacing here) so I will be raising questions of my own that I will appreciate your assistance with, starting this week.
So What am I?
Characteristics Smouldering good looks, good cheekbones, only the merest smidging of grey in my sleek black fur, long legs, sharp teeth, cut glass accent. Good street fighting skills, top mouser (though out of practice since operation as my preference is for fillet steak these days.)
Family: Natural family {human/feline)unknown. Adopted family – Dave and his two teenage children, Ann and Edward.
Interests: Appearing in celebrity magazines, ski-ing, food and drink, outsmarting humans.
Regrets: Will never be able to drive a Ferrari or re-produce: former due to simple practicalities, latter down to visit to the vets on pretence of having claws clipped. Ended up having something distinctly more intimate clipped. Will never forgive Dave for his treachery or his children for their connivance.
Likes: Sunshine, Peter Kaye, money, cruel humour, cricket, dirty tricks.
Dislikes: Rain, Jim Davidson, football, Jim Davidson, politicians, Jim Davidson
Question of the Week:
"Why do Premiership footballers wear woolly gloves, even when it is 20 degrees? Are they afraid of chipping their nail varnish?"
Au revoir people.
Catoraman
